Bored in the Bedroom? Here’s How to Break the Sex Routine Without Breaking the Vibe
Do you ever find yourself in a predictable rhythm with yourself, your partner, or partners when it comes to the bedroom?
Same location. Same time of day. Same positions. Same toys (or no toys). Same duration. Same, same, same.
Routines have a sneaky way of creeping into our sex lives, whether you’re in a long-term relationship, enjoying solo play, or seeing multiple partners. And while routines can feel safe and reassuring (“I know what’s coming, and I know I’ll like it”), they can also quietly smother your libido and chip away at how much you’re actually enjoying those moments.
Why routine can be a mood-killer
I recently read an article that claimed men could happily have the same kind of sex for the rest of their lives without complaint. But for women? The study suggested that variety and spontaneity aren’t just nice-to-haves, they’re essential for keeping interest and desire alive.
And yes, sometimes variety means a new partner. But more often - especially in long-term relationships or your very long-term relationship with your own body - it’s about shaking up the habits and choreography you’ve fallen into, and truly responding to what’s happening in the moment.
The danger of too much routine? You can slip into complete autopilot. And when that happens, you’re robbing yourself of the full experience (the sensations, the emotional connection, the mental turn-on).
How to shake things up (without freaking anyone out)
You don’t have to blow up the whole script to add excitement. Start by changing just one element:
- Where you do it
- When you do it
- What you use (or don’t use)
- Positions
- What’s involved (think sensory play, toys, or a slow build)
This could be a pre-discussed plan with your partner, or a gentle, spontaneous shift in the moment. And while I’m all for adventurous energy, please don’t surprise someone with something way out of their comfort zone (you can’t say Phoebe told me to bring out the strap-on without warning).
Sex doesn’t have to tick imaginary boxes
Forget the idea that sex must include penetration or end in orgasm - especially male orgasm.
It could be a 10-minute shower quickie after an afternoon spent listening to a spicy audiobook. Or a two-hour oral session in the middle of the night. Or sex in the car on the way to date night (discretion, safety, and avoiding arrest still apply here).
Use memories as inspiration
If you’re having the talk with your partner, reminisce together about moments when you had really good, spontaneous sex. Maybe it was after one of you had been away. Maybe it was somewhere unusual. Those memories can spark ideas and excitement — and remind you both that you’re capable of more than “Wednesday night, lights off, same position.”
This could also be the perfect opportunity to introduce new toys, more toys, or entirely different kinds of play into your shared repertoire.
And if your partner’s on the fence? Maybe mention the research that shows women need variety to stay interested - a fact that should be deeply motivating for anyone who’d like more (and better) sex.
If they’re not into it - don’t give up
If your suggestions are declined, don’t give up on your own exploration. Your sex life is not solely dependent on your partner (and no, this is not me suggesting cheating). I’m talking about your relationship with yourself. Experiment, explore, and break out of your solo play routines. The more you know your body and what excites you, the more confident you’ll be in guiding a partner, if and when they want in.
My own little experiment
For me and my partner, one of the easiest changes was simply switching locations. Turns out, the couch is the perfect height for some positions we now adore.
And as a public service announcement: if you’re going to use lube in the shower, proceed with caution. It’s a slip hazard. If anyone has a magic water-based shower-safe solution, my DMs are open.
If your sex life has started feeling a little Groundhog Day, you don’t need to burn it all down, just add a plot twist. Small changes can reignite curiosity, boost pleasure, and make your time in (or out) of the bedroom something you look forward to again.
Phoebe x